I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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