Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
