i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
