Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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