Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
