here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
