drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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