I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
