It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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