i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Randomize
