I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
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