only you would photoshop your dick
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize
