Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Randomize
