Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
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