I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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