whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
so that wasnt chicken after all
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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