did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Randomize
