Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Randomize
