My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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