You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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