woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
