to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
