i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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