so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
