I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
