Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
