I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Randomize
