so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
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