Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
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