Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
