Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
