I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
