idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Randomize
