So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
