I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
sex in a hospital.. check
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
