I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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