when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
