dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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