I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
