Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
should my penis look like a turkey
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Randomize