I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
We named our party play list daddy issues
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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