I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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