I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
