Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
