he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
