my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
