If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
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