i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
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