So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
what day is it and did you see me today?
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
She's just so happy...and so naked.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
