I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
