Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
