Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
