summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
