some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
