I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize