I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
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