i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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