I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
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