just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize