my room smells like sperm. sweet.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
My pussy is not your playground.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
