I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
