My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
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