I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
