Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
