My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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