ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Randomize
