the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Randomize
