Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Randomize
