Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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