Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize