Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
