I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Randomize
